Lately I have begun to realize that in the next few months my life is about to change drastically...and I'm having a ton of emotions because of it. I've fallen into the comfortable routine of going to work all day, then coming home and practicing. Not that I particularly like that routine...there's just a certain comfort level that comes with it (I'm my father's daughter, that's for sure - and he is definitely a creature of habit.)
I am feeling excited and happy about what is to come, because I will finally be getting to do what I love, which is playing clarinet full time. I am also hoping I will have more time to teach, which is also something I love to do. I miss being able to commit to music full time and fully flex my creative muscles, which has made the last two years (almost...!) really tough to get through.
But at the same time, I am feeling some sadness. The other night, I was laying down to go to sleep and I thought about how hard it is going to be to say good bye to Ben. I imagined how it I would feel when the moment comes and I got completely washed up in a sadness that I haven't felt for a long time. Even writing this I'm getting choked up about it. I truly realized at that moment how much I have become dependent on him to be there by my side and I think I'm a little scared that I will have to go through the first part of this journey completely on my own! Every time I think about it, I feel a tug (or more like, a yank) on my heart. It sucks.
I am also a little (but only a little!) sad about leaving Rochester. I have spent the last 3.5 years here, and it has become part of my identity whether I like it or not. Its the place that Ben and I officially first lived together and the first few years of our marriage was spent here, and we've really come into our own as a couple here. I also love our neighborhood (but maybe not our house so much), Oakland Street is definitely the cutest street in Rochester! I don't think we'll ever live in another place like it. I will also miss Wegmans. I know, I know, how silly that I like a grocery store chain this much. But I do! LOL. Visit one and you will agree.
I will also miss the people that I have met here, including all the people that I work with and that Ben works with. The chance that Ben and I will come back to Rochester in the near future is pretty slim, considering we have no family ties to the area, so it makes saying goodbye to everyone even more difficult. I'm sure we'll be back someday...but whether it is 1 year or 10 years, I don't know.
I am also sad to leave my clarinet students. Especially one, whom I've taught for almost two years now. As many teachers will probably agree, there's no avoiding becoming attached to your students! I have established a great relationship with my other student (the one that I just began teaching, with the German clarinet) and I feel I have so much more to teach her and not enough time. I wish I could see her progress and meet her goals, but I know that won't be possible in the time we have left together. My only hope is that I can get her to a teacher that will help her fulfill them!
With all that said, I am ready to leave this damn town. The list of things I will miss about Rochester is very short compared with things I will NOT miss, such as the weather, the crime, the poor quality of the local radio/TV, bad commercials, etc. It is funny, while I was a student at Eastman, Ben used to complain about how crappy this town is constantly...and I just didn't think it was that bad. I soon realized that it was because I was in the "Eastman bubble" - after I graduated and started working at the hospital, I started to see how unhappy I am living and how much I miss Colorado. Eastman was so awesome that I was blind to see what was truly around me!
Granted, I will not live in Colorado again for a very long time, if ever. But if Ben and I have learned anything about living on the east coast, its that we are true "westerners" and we will be happiest living west of the Mississippi. Hopefully, the Navy will let us do that!
Its almost overwhelming...I'm feeling so many different emotions about this new chapter in my life. But I know I am strong and I will get through it! And I have to remember that although changes may be hard, but in the end, there's nothing better.
...55 days left!
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