Post Marine audition thoughts...

So today I played the last audition that I will probably do for awhile. It seems weird, my brain is asking, "ok, what's next?", but then I realize that there is no next thing. I think I'm ready to play clarinet for myself for awhile. I'm just so tired of the mental bashing that I put myself through every time. Getting though the prelims before in auditions has been a blessing and a curse at the same time, because now I do expect a lot more of myself. I'm always thinking "I've gotten through before, there is no reason that I can't this time", which seems to have a negative effect (or affect...? English majors help!) on me for some weird reason.

I think that taking a break for a few months will help clear my senses and also give me time to get better as a clarinetist and musician. Basically I haven't had a span of more than a couple months without having to drill excerpts into my brain since the start of my 2nd year at Eastman, which was fall of 2008. I'm looking forward to practicing for the purpose of musical advancement, instead of the purpose of execution.

The audition today went fairly well. In general, I think my reed was too heavy. Whoops. I was expecting the room to be extremely live (because that's the general impression that I got from the staff working the audition) but it wasn't as live as I thought when I got in there, so my reed probably sounded pretty tubby. Expecially for the Gounoud excerpt, which was alllllllllll articulation (think Mendelssohn scherzo times 5000, lol!). I only played Mozart concerto, the Gounoud, and Brahms 3 in the preliminary round. I think that is the max they had people play because of time constraints (I think there were over 100 people that showed up to this audition...yikes!!!), so I really wasn't worried that they didn't like my playing. My mozart was really good (well, to me it was hehe!), my Gounoud was way better than I ever anticipated it going (that was the ONE excerpt that I didn't want them to ask for, lol), and my Brahms was pretty good, but probably a little boring.

Even though I was extremely pleased with how I played, I did not make it through to the next round. Here is why: my reed was too heavy, like I said before, and my Brahms was boring. Yes, I played it fine, in tune with matched timbre over the break, but it was definitely lacking the WOW factor and color that I know I can and have brought to that excerpt. I was really nervous and shaky at that point, I could even feel my breath shaking and it really was affecting my tone. I am sure that is why I didn't advance. But I did the best I could, I cannot ask for more than that from myself.

Since there were so many people at this audition, I think the judging panel was being extremely picky on who they advanced. If they didn't think "wowza", you didn't advance. I was #37, and they had only advanced a couple people so far. In fact, no one from my group or the group before advanced! When I heard that I thought, no wonder I didn't advance; they are looking for the people who are totally on their game!! I was probably 80-90% on my game, and that just wasn't good enough today. I'm hoping that the next few months I can work on my audition mentality, I tend to sabatoge myself...I had a little bit of that today with the Brahms.

But overall, it was a positive experience. I feel much better playing very well and not advancing than playing shitty and not advancing. There is a huge difference in my emotional state! Last audition I was crying in the parking lot, and this time I'm just shrugging my shoulders and looking forward to a fun touristy day tomorrow in Washington DC!

Thinking positively

I just came back from a lesson with my teacher, Kenneth Grant. I think it was the shortest lesson I've had all year! We went through the excerpts for the audition much faster than I was anticipating...I hope that is a good thing that he didn't have much to say. I'm glad I'm home earlier than I thought...I can take a little breather since I've been going pretty much nonstop since monday morning. Also I have time to blog a little bit! Overall, I think I'm playing pretty well. I've been really drilling myself the last week or so...I've been trying to play 100% all the time, which is hard to do.

For Christmas, I got this book called The Musician's Way by Gerald Klickstien (http://musiciansway.com/blog/). Although I am far from finishing the book, it has helped me adjust my attitude towards my own playing, which I really needed. I've realized for the past year or so I've been so hung up on auditions and what other people think of my playing, I forgot to notice what I think of my playing! I'm pretty sure it had caused me to play too stiffly under pressure, or caused me to simply fall apart (like a few of my audition experiences....West Virginia....Glens Falls...RPO...to name a few). I have a bad habit of focusing on what the judges want, usually with the thought, "omg what if I can't play this, what are they going to think?" I need to focus on what I want. I don't necessarily want the job, I want to play at my utmost best so that the result is winning the job! After some reflection, I've noticed that this is the biggest difference between my good and bad experiences. I need to focus on musical goals, not nonmusical goals like jobs and such.

I have discovered that I need to focus being a musician rather than just a clarinet player. I have discovered in doing this that I'm much more capable of true music making than I thought I was!! I've been letting myself go while playing, which is much more satisfying than I thought it would be.

Since I have a very limited amount of time that I can set aside for practice, I've also been practicing more attentively, and with an emphasis on music making but also perfection in the music making (if that is possible). I have to remember that my technique is already pretty good, but musicianship is harder to achieve, so more attention should be put to into it. I think I may have gone a little to far with that concept though, I was rushing all over the place in my lesson tonight! But that is an easy fix, some hard core metronome work in the next few days and I'm set.

So although everyone in clarinet world (or at least it seems) is going to be at this audition, I'm trying to not let it bother me too much. In other words, I'm trying not to let myself get intimidated by the sheer number of people planning to be at the audition. I have to keep telling myself that I really am a better clarinet player/musician than most of the players that will be there, and stay confident.

I AM A KICKASS CLARINETIST.

There. Thinking positively!!

Busy busy

Obviously it has been awhile since I've written. Not that nothing has happened, actually, pretty much everything has happened. I've basically been working on Marine band music since I last wrote. Most of December was pretty much uneventful, except for the fact that my husband was extremely sick for most of the month. That was a big distraction from practicing, having to take care of him. I did get in to see Mr. Grant and have him listen to my excerpts, but I still felt like I had a mountain to climb before I was ready for the audition.

Christmas time was a little crazy. We went home to Colorado for the first time since we moved out here. It was nice to see everyone, but a little stressful mostly because EVERYONE wanted to see us (on his and my side of the family) so we were constantly pulled in several directions. I can't complain though, it was a lot of fun, and it reminded me of how much I miss Colorado. I wish we could move back, but it is not looking good for that right now or in the future. Looks like we could end up down south next year, either in Mississippi or in North Carolina...or in DC...lol! (DC...yeah right). I brought my clarinet to Colorado with me, but I ended up not practicing AT ALL!!! Which kind of sucks, because I was hoping to get some time in. But its ok, we were on vacation, right?

Unfortunately, my reed tools did not make the trip back. Somehow TSA or United took them out of my bag, and they never made it back in. (I know this because I got the piece of paper that said my bag was chosen to be searched). I am still very upset about this, especially because there is nothing about them that would pose a threat to security. In fact, that is why they were in my checked baggage, because they are metal and pointy objects that could definitley be used as a weapon, but certainly not a bomb. I've been trying to get in touch with TSA, but nobody is returning my emails/phone calls. Very frustrating! I had some expensive tools in there....reed knife, reed clipper, my glass plate...grrrrrr.

Anyways, since I've been back from vacation I've been super busy. Between my full time job at the hospital, teaching, and my new job at H&R Block (which has been a ball of stress, let me tell you), I've hardly had time to practice. I'm trying the best I can, though. This week is my last week before the Marine band audition, so I'm going to have to push through. This also happens to be my busiest week since I graduated from Eastman. Here is the schedule:

Monday (today): I work 8-4:30, then go to HR Block and work 6-9. My plan tonight is to work on reeds/practice for an hour before I go to bed...hopefully that will actually happen. Tuesday: work 8:30-5, then race to Penfield to teach 5:30-6:30, then race to Fairport for a rehearsal 7-9. Then another reed working/practice session before I go to bed (hopefully). Wednesday: work 8-4:30, teach 6-7 at my house (yes!), then lesson with Ken Grant at 7:30 which will go to who knows when. Thursday: work 8:30-5, HR Block 6-9...reed working/practice session before bed. Friday: work 8:30-5....probably will have to stay a little late though, we're moving offices on monday and need to make sure all of my stuff is packed up and ready to go, since I will be gone on Monday, then a dress rehearsal/concert in Fairport. Of couse I'll probably try to stick in a reed working/practice session before I go to bed. Saturday: work HR Block 9-3, then come home and put in one last practice session, and then RELAX. Sunday: leave for DC!

Holy shitballs - I didn't realize I was that busy until I wrote it all out!!! I hope I have time to breath/sleep/eat! The bright side is that all this stuff will help take my mind off the fact that I have an audition on Monday!

I'm not leaving DC until late Tuesday night (the audition is supposed to be both days), so I'm hoping to get some sightseeing in on Tuesday afternoon if I can.

Here's to the start of a crazy week, I hope I end up on the other side unscathed. Ready, set, GO!